Well I've left the mooring at Eastwood and am now continuous cruising. I have got my roving traders license and I will be selling from the towpath from end of May beginning of June.
It's been a very strange and exhausting time. I am questioning what is important and how to function in this chaotic and changing world and how to balance all the many voices and complexities of being alive in an ecological sense.
I am having to forgive myself right now for all the ways in which I am still being driven my fear and shame in my life and for the ways in which I have allowed the violence and disconnection of my conditioning to affect my choices and behaviour. I see now that as I move into deeper connection and resilience I encounter resistance of the white supremacist patriarchal system that I grew up in. Fear and hatred and pain and disconnection are still alive in memories of abuse and neglect and in my own fear and epigenetic inheritance. Each step towards my own embodied authenticity is step away from that traumatic conditioning and a dismantling of a legacy of violence against marginal bodies, including my own. It's not simple. The process of honouring my marginality and my privilege means holding space for deep grief and uncomfortable paradoxes. It also means speaking out and holding space for others who are suffering and dying under the current system.
Whenever I notice that I am hurting myself to hold things together or I see this in others it still shocks me how visceral and physical that force is in my history and in my body and how at odds it is with what I sense and feel to be truly necessary and deeply human when I am in more whole and connected ways of processing. I want this social and economic system to fall apart. I celebrate voices of dissent and difference and I hope that my creativity and softness can be part of creating a new paradigm. A wild collaboration of voices lifting each other up and walking into an unknown world making up new ways of exchange and survival and thrival as we go along. Recognising that we are stronger together and honouring each others anger and edges as part of that shift as well as making space for self care and compassion to hold us as the righteous rage of people of colour, disenfranchised people and oppressed people surges out in a wave of grief and growth that washes away the archaic, fragile and unsustainable discourses and systems of the colonial patriarchy and nurtures the ground for the growth of a new world, balanced, interdependent and alive with becoming and sensing into itself.
I'm committing to my work; to listening, and sharing and co-visioning and to letting go of my old beliefs so I can be more present to this time, this moment and in alignment with purpose.