Hello lovely folks, I’m going to attempt a dreamy newsletter update which I hope will be of value to you in your lives.
So, in leaving the mooring I encounter myself. Untethered.
I’m not going to constrain myself with linear narrative so prepare to join me in the ebbs and flows of wyrd/word which I’m working with right now.
In encountering myself I am becoming more aware of past, present and future as one. In opening to my past I can learn to hold it in the present to find what is of value to me and what beliefs and ideas are no longer helpful or were never mine. I can support my nervous system to heal and create new pathways for my experiencing. (For more information about this email me). This awareness was helped by someone suggesting that I turn my back on the past. I found myself baffled by this notion… in my experience past runs through our cells, memory dictates perception and physiology and we are all in part, our genetic inheritance which has it’s own impact on our present and on our relationship with the future. To turn my back on the past would be to continue a cycle of closing down, shutting out and shutting off. Dissociation and disconnection. Each time I saw the past and turned away I would also be turning away from an experience in the present an opportunity to learn, connect and grow internally and in relationship.
I have been thinking of a blanket (I’m not the first to do this). A series of threads made up of more threads of energy, made up of essence. All overlapping. The blanket is both these threads and the ether between them. When we become aware of this we can see or feel in our bodies how this blanket is a living thing. We can open - listening and sensing these threads as we experience them and as we might like to experience them. As we are being ourselves so we become ourselves and so we either relive or reweave the past. In this life I cannot avoid your past or avoid that I evoke your past, just as you cannot avoid my past or evoking my past. In my work as a person and as a poet I am willing/called to see the blanket not just the human conceptions of the blanket. It’s complexity and mutability and its delicacy and ungraspable nature. I am taking my perceptions and transforming. I am unweaving too (and this is vital work for those of us with ideas and beliefs which cause us harm) very gently the blanket of trauma and disconnection. In this work I am also taking apart my energetic patterning and I taking each thread and honouring it whatever it’s condition and then repairing and weaving into a blanket of connection and beauty which includes the story of the tear or rip and its healing.
This work is for me and my family, and for my ancestors and more than that it is my gift from and for all life and because I am one with life. In this blanket all things are welcome, all energy flows freely and is held in gentle story. I find shelter and challenge in this work and I want to offer you my perceiving of the blanket as I offer it to all people. Many people have given me the love and encouragement I need to do the sometimes wonderful and sometimes extremely painful and exhausting work of delicately unravelling the threads. I will return these threads into a blanket which will be my gift of love.
I am a poet and a perceiver, it is my abundance and my limitation. For years I rejected this gift because it took me to places that frightened me and could not be held in this society. Now I am embracing it as my part of transforming this world. I give it to you transformed from grief into beauty which contains grief, of course, which contains anger of course, these are beautiful stories when they are woven into a whole. Signs of care, signs that we matter and our matter is energy and we affect each other.
Here is a poem for you. May it land in your heart and unravel you into being. May it unravel you from the beliefs that are not yours. May you be free from all the torment, to hold the torment as story, as you hold space for a storm on a sunny day.
Life says to you, ‘I wish you free. Take all I have and I become more. Here is abundance, the beauty the void the majesty. I cannot fit into the tiny spaces, the little cracks and crevices I am too big and too bursting. I constantly growing hungering and thirsting. I am not for you and you are not for me and yet here we are nonetheless of each other. Of life, for life and life goes on.’
So as I listen to the thoughts in my mind I enquire; What are the patterns I am weaving today? Or am I in an unravelling process right now? How I do this and what I see matters. As I may only be able to feel and see a limited amount nonetheless my seeing is connecting and creating the whole or not. I had the sense that held in awareness the energy and information of the blanket are resilient, flexible and have essential wisdom to reform, and repair. Held without care or overstretched the threads become brittle, fragile and easily severed.
So this is why I listen to my body. I was born with what appeared to be a very shredded blanket, the threads were twisted and knotted and torn no one wanted to talk about this or share this. So I was left alone with this perception and the confusion of being told my perception was invalid. In one sense this was a gift. It meant I focussed on what I could see. I looked carefully at the threads and the rips. I could start to see that in the voids were possibilities. That beneath all these knots and frays there were hidden stories desperately trying to be told. Threads that did not seem to come together in an order could be reweaves into a beautiful colourful organic form, my own unique ordering process. Even though these stories were sometimes unbearable and manifested in my body as agonising pain or crippling fear or strange visions or noises. I found that when I could stay with them and listen very carefully a complex and beautiful voice would emerge. Once it’s story had been told the frayed threads that were running through me became whole and the pain and discomfort was held in the blanket and in the flow of life. For without the pain and discomfort being woven into the whole it remains isolated and stuck and we remain in a state of semi awareness missing our capacity to feel joy because we are carrying around grief and fear that has a beautiful vital energy to bring to our lives.
How we each do this work is different. For me now the job is to work at allowing other people to value and recognise my capacity and to share this confidence in connection. When I do this I see another set of unravelling to do. The belief that I am not worthy of being part of the joy that I must remain in the shadows alone starved of connection and existing solely as vessel for the transformation of trauma. Now I see that belief that all relationships will eventually consume me is simply another tear in the blanket and what I find when I begin to unravel it is a terror of beauty and goodness and the fear that I will not be worthy of them or they will not make space for my fears and sorrows. That I will bring the pain into the room and then be abandoned. Now I recognise that I bring a love of life and a capacity to see beauty in all things as they are. What a beautiful gift. What a terrible burden. This is the business of being human and I’ve wanted to avoid it. I wanted to live in the ether witnessing the blanket but never touching it or letting it touch me but this was a denial of the power of matter and of life to have it’s own way. I hope this sharing is helpful and if you need help with telling stories I am offering one to one creative explorations as I go about my travels. A chance to play and gently connect with the stories within you in company, witnessing and with some of the strategies I’ve picked up over years of working with my own creative process. For more information email@example.com