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Trying!

March 19, 2019

Doing lots of observation, struggling with massive uncertainty but that's not the subject of this post... I have been struggling with intense physical pain, trapped nerves and fibromyalgia which has severely limited the amount of physical work I am doing. I realise how hard it is for me not to do! My partner has been very helpful encouraging me to supervise! And also valuing me when I am doing less labour intensive work and when I exercise the immense discipline it seems to take for me to rest! I am learning to bend my knees every time I lift something. After a lifetime of manual labour and pyschological isolation without regard for my organism I am now receiving feedback from my system that is impossible forgo ignore. I am wondering how I can fulfil my visions with my limited capacity and whether or not these issues will ever resolve and heal in such a way as to allow me to live my potential. It is really a big challenge much harder than designing and planting the field with trees. I feel frustrated and fearful at times and it is hard to maintain my sense of worth. I have always been very valued for my strength and have treated by body as a machine. I am in my head, goal orientated, not listening. I am working hard to find support, physio and to redesign my system to address imbalances that lead me to level four (see graham burnett permaculture a beginner's guide - hierarchy of interventions) ... I mean by this chemical pain relief! Right now my eyes are tired from the screen, I am sitting on the floor and leaning over the screen and my butt hurts so I am going to stop writing I will write more about this as the joumey with my Peoplecare progresses.

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