The last few days have been intense. I can feel my body shifting into Winter mode. I feel slower, heavier and full with rich dreams and the energy of deep subtle transformation.
I was feeling quite overwhelmed with practical jobs that needed doing the most obvious was the need to take the boat to fill up with water. I can delay this process as I get drinking water from my friends who live just across the field from where the boat is moored but it means no showers and having to heat up water for washing up. After a while this starts to affect how I feel. I find the warm water of the shower soothing and relaxing for my nervous system. It also helps me feel like I am caring for myself and to feel comfortable at work in the world. I wasn’t looking forward to moving the boat much on my own. Usually I enjoy that but as the cold draws in and there are more tasks to do and less energy and light it doesn’t always feel safe or relaxing solo.
I gave up worrying about it and the next day my friend said she had visitors who might like a day out on the boat and be happy to do the locks if I was open to that. Normally I am reluctant to have people I don’t know quite well in my space but this felt very serendipitous so I decided to go for it.
We had a quick and easy day and they were very gentle and loving people so I was rewarded in trusting and opening to this opportunity. As we chugged along the propeller was constantly caught up in the piles of sunken semi rotted leaves but the surrounding colours in the trees were breathtaking and the leaves drifting gently down over the water were magical.
The movement of the leaves falling is so gentle and you can really feel the air currents cushioning and supporting their descent. It’s this softness and tenderness that I want to allow inside my own being as I let go into the unknown and into deeper trust and connection.
I felt very exhausted the next day after all the activity and an early morning. I knew I was with a lot but I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t make sense of it. I find this is a very frequent experience because a lot of my attention is in the nonverbal and dreaming realm and translating it into thought or language requires patience and creativity and rest. So I rested.
In the afternoon I tried to start the boat thinking it might be nice to move her up the last lock and back to the mooring. I tried several times but the engine would not start. I took this as a sign to rest further and ask for some help so I texted a friend who is also a boater and then headed off into the woods with the dog for a walk.
I realised walking the dog that I was feeling very fearful about the ecological crisis and on a personal level about my own financial instability and physical exhaustion. It helped me to name and connect with this fearful place inside myself and just notice that right then in that moment everything was okay and that all I had to do just now was be there in the trees watching the leaves fall.
In the morning after a long night up with the dog shivering in a cupboard because of the fireworks I tried the engine and it started first time! I texted my friend to let her know and she said she’d come up anyway and help me with the locks. We sat on little stools on the towpath drinking black coffee, catching up and revelling in the joys and challenges of boat life and life in general. It was lovely to have this time and company and the simple pleasure of the morning. I felt really blessed again to have such unexpected generosity and support and it reassured me a great deal.
This constant practice of calling myself into the present is something that I am working on (with partial success!) and that really helps me with my anxiety and panic in the beautiful but very confusing business of being human! I hope this finds you all well. I wish you the peaceful feeling of letting go as the leaves of summer within you fall to nourish and protect you through the Winter. Thank you to all the folks who helped me move the boat it makes such a big difference to my life.