Being where I am.
Updated: Jul 23
Hello everyone. Happy Sagittarius full moon! It's been a long time since I blogged. I realised I've been neglecting the website. To be honest it isn't my favourite thing to do. I don't do well with writing to a schedule. However I think that this blog and blogging generally has been a place of connection. From now on I'm going to try and find a way to enjoy it and just have it as a place to share more personally. I've been really overwhelmed the last year. Facing loss and some very deep patterns that affect how I show up in the world. That work still goes on but I'm in a new place with it now.
At the moment because of Covid the boat has been in one place since November. I've lost a lot of self employed work and so I've had more time to focus on my creative work. I've started a podcast which I hope to do each week or fortnight. It's called the Multiverses the Ship of Dreams. You can find it here. https://anchor.fm/katherine-alex
I'm also finding some flow with my graphic novel illustrations which is great. In my personal world I've been working with authenticity, sovereignty, visibility and boundaries as well as learning to stop operating from a place of emergency and fear of loss and pain. It's quite challenging not to feel urgent when you look at all the oppression, racist systems and violence in the world as well as the environmental situation but still finding some ground in all this feels crucial if I'm to act in a way which is part of a shift to more connection and integration.
I've been thinking a lot about visibility. A lot of my survival techniques involved shape-shifting and trying with various degrees of success to hide my difference from myself and from the world and to act in a way which kept me safe and 'joined in'. This caused me to fragment, collapse and hold myself in a constant brace against my own autistic trans body. It meant I was doubly alienated. It's also meant I have been unable to show up in the world with integrity and authenticity because I have been so split, fragile and afraid. I became alienated from life and I am still working through figuring out what of me is me and what is just a robotic adaptation to the conditions of my childhood and ablism and trans/homophobia.
Lately a lot of my distress has been in my guts. I associate this with coming into my own power. Being visible in my marginality and my privilege. I've realised that my relationship with food and in particular with sugar is very unhealthy. For years sugar was the main source of comfort in my life, it was consistent, it was sweet and it came in colourful packets. It gave me energy to override my exhaustion and it was something to hold onto. It was mine. I think it was my main care giver. Now I realise that I am not in need of that and now I realise that my queer autistic body is not broken or wrong I feel that when I am able to cope without this pattern I would like to take care of it and enjoy the experience of being embodied. I can now feel nurture and receive joy in my skin from other sources and I need to make space for these and for stillness and relaxation by letting go of sugar. I also feel like this will free me up to find new relationship with food and give me money to invest in more small ways in organisations fighting for social justice and energy to do my work in that process. It feels like a political move to divest from the candy feeding of capitalism and to trust my body to find it's energy from connection to earth and spirit and all life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't enjoy chocolate and sugary things... I know these can be important and wholesome in a balanced way and sometimes just a necessary survival/coping tool. I just know that right now I'm needing to have a break and reset my system because the messages from my body are 'I'm not happy when you do that' and I've been getting kidney pain, acid reflux and ulcers. It's weird I have had the same experience with drinking too much suddenly my body just said no if you keep doing this I'm going to die and so I stopped and with smoking and smoking weed. Now I can enjoy all those things very occasionally but first I needed a break. I think sometimes I'm trying to recreate the pain and overload of my past because it's familiar and in doing that I just add to the overwhelm and challenges I face everyday in the present. So this feels like learning to have internal boundaries for my traumatised children and I have the conditions to do this work now. I know that not everyone does and I'm sending love and patience to all of you. It's half a step at a time which stops you going two steps back (so says the wise man on the boat next-door to mine). Recovering from trauma and doing our work in the world isn't about getting anywhere, it's about showing up every day and being in the mess together and alone.
I know that for years I've tried to take on and digest the whole worlds' pain and not actually been in it. It's like if I eat enough and try hard enough I'll have processed all the pain and misery out there and avoided it all in me. Now I want to just deal with what's mine and be connected and available for doing my work in the world to make change and help others in that way by showing up even if I get it wrong, or fall apart or nobody likes me. I get to stay with me and that's as good as it gets.
Here's a pic I drew a long time ago called 'the mouth'.