What really makes me happy?
Good morning folks. I've been stressing lately sensing that it's time for me to focus more on my creative stuff and also to be more whole and authentic and visible in that area but not really seeing how.
Patience isn't my strong point in this area. I get very frustrated and try to push past obstacles or end up collapsing into self loathing and despair. I realised I was trying to fit myself and my process into conventional ways of doing things in order to 'get my work out there' and 'make a living.' Ugh. When this happens all the reasons I actually like being alive and also my sense that the way I live is valid kind of fade away and I become obsessed with all the money I need to get money, all the ways I don't fit the bill and I become resentful that a lot of my energy goes into simple practical tasks and day to day management of my home on the boat and my own well being. It's a centring of external values that makes me feel very unwell, alienated and angry. This morning I was writing down all these stresses and worries to try and get them out of my head so I could make some space and I came across a list I wrote in August which was entitled 'What really makes me happy?'
Here it is:
Being a good and loving friend and community member
Swimming in nature
Going on adventures with loved ones/being led into 'wild' places (physical and metaphysical).
Play and mutuality
Sex, comfort and physical care
Having enough safety in my life to have energy left over for other things
Writing poems from spirit
Walking in and loving the earth
Being with animals
Making and eating nice food
Creating beautiful things and bringing them into the world
Taking care of myself and taking responsibility for my trauma and pain and challenges.
Wow! I felt a lot better reading this. It made me realise that I need to start right where I am and not by spending money I don't have on a website package or a camera set up. I can have goals but first thing to share is this crazy colourful inspiring place I'm in now. I am so blessed with loving and integrity in the people I am surrounded by and I am still holding some values which are not life-loving or authentic for me.
I was on my way back to my boat last night after an eight hour trip from Cornwall. I felt lonely and drained by the experience and by the time I was on the bus back to where my boat is moored I started to feel very anxious about the cold. I knew there was no wood and no kindling on board and I didn't have enough water to run the heating. The thought of trying to scrabble together or chop kindling in the icy dark and then bring in wood was very depressing and lonely. I could feel a spiral of other self defeating thought patterns knocking on the door of my attention. I did my best to breathe and quiet my mind and told myself oh well I'll just take it one step at a time and I can handle it etc. All nice phrases I've learnt to try and calm myself but ones that don't come naturally and don't always stop the embodied fear and disconnection. Anyway, I got to the towpath and it was cold and dark and I noticed smoke coming from the chimney of my boat and lights on! I couldn't believe it and when I let myself in there was a roaring fire and a bar of organic chocolate on the table.
How completely miraculous. What a magical thing to be loved in such a tangible way. I felt very met and touched by this unexpected and incredibly thoughtful gesture. This is the kind of abundance that sustains and nourishes. It changes you to be with others who value the simple joy of being warm and connected and safe and cared about. I'm crying as I write this I feel so moved by this and all the other magical gestures of love I have received over the years. I also feel very grateful, and called more into life and love.
So I'm going to turn my boat into a place of connection.... Not sure exactly what that will look like yet. A shop but more than a shop!? I hope I can make enough money too. In the meantime I will keep working and make exchange and trust life to bring me enough of what I need and be grateful and aware of the many privileges I hold that others don't have. I'm going to try and blog about my life on the boat and as a person in the world and eventually make videos and podcasts including poetry, cartoons and stories of past present and the possible and the landscapes unknown to the human eye. These will be conversations with life the universe and folks around here who fill my life with magic and wonder and do great work in the world.
The conversations will take place in many mediums and not all wordy like this one! I have no idea how this will happen but I figure start with the intention and take it one step at a time. I hope this work will support others who struggle in the world to feel that they matter and feel less alone and get their voices out there.If you enjoyed this or have thoughts please get in touch, comment, like, share etc and also find me on Instagram @unspeakablearts
I can't do this without you!